


Mike Newton: Professional Ass-Kicker

by UmamiPop11



Category: Twilight Series - All Media Types, Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Magical Realism, Canon-Typical Violence, Fix-It, Friends to Lovers, Gen, M/M, Medication, Mental Breakdown, Mental Institutions, POV First Person, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-01
Updated: 2018-01-08
Packaged: 2019-02-26 04:35:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,199
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13228185
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UmamiPop11/pseuds/UmamiPop11
Summary: If you discover your classmate is a deadly mythical being, do you:a) Stop him before he can kill anybody elseb) Form a secret society with your friends to take him outc) Fall in love with your best friendOrd) All of the abovePlease read on for more information and circle the correct answer.





	1. Puzzle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mike Newton doesn't do much ass-kicking in the first chapter but you've gotta start somewhere.
> 
> Please see the notes for CW.

I hate this room. The green walls. The nasty smell like ball sack mixed with piss and tears. The zombies parked in front of the television or drooling on themselves as they nap in the day chairs. Myself, slumped over a 500 piece jigsaw puzzle, biting my nails as I come down from whatever they’d made me swallow at 3 o’clock. What I really hate about this room is that it’s on the third storey, high enough that I can see the forest at the other end of the crazyhouse car park. The beautiful green pines and firs, swaying in the constant wind that sweep across from Alaska. Carrying the cold from the top of the world. The top of the world.  


“I’ve been there,” I mumble, “the very top.”  


I slam a piece into place. The robot near the nurse’s station shoots me a look.  


“It’s all good, man. I’m good.”  


I bite my thumbnail and rip it to the quick. It bleeds a little. Not like in Alaska when the blood had poured, speared out like fire, soaking into the snow and blackening the ice underneath. When I’d staked that motherfucker through his Burberry coat.  
My year-long vacation at Juniper Hill Hospice has been long and dull. Unlike everything that had come before. The last two years of high school were fast, sharp and chaotic. But locked up in here, with the ghosts of good intentions and battered minds, I was free to look back on it all. On the years I’d spent with my parents and friends before I’d turned 16.  


When I brush my teeth in the morning, I think about when I was 12. On top of Mount Storm King rugged up to my eyes in front of a small fire. Squeezed between my happy mom and goofy dad. I hear them laughing and bickering about their store or hockey scores or a million other silly things. At lunch, as they force creamed corn and pills into my mouth, I cackle at the time in middle-school when Eric Yorkie jumped over a rotten stump, tripped and slammed into a tree trunk wrapped in poison oak. And late at night, while my roomie cries and scratches at shadows on the walls, I replay that magical afternoon in 2002, a week before school started, when I had my first kiss with Lauren Mallory behind Pacific Pizza. I try not to think about the camping trip I took with Eric, Lee Stephens and Tyler Crowley for my 16th birthday. But every now and then the memory creeps up on me, usually in the hour before I take my next batch of psychotropics.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Mental institutions, medication, mental instability, violent imagery, major character death (guess whooo)


	2. Binoculars

It all started in 2004 on the first Sunday in May. We’d spent the weekend at Heart O' the Hills camping grounds. It had rained both nights, of fucking course, but we’d had a good time hiking, fishing in the river and drinking cheap beer in the cramped tent. In the weak afternoon light, we’d packed up the site and decided to drive up to Hurricane Ridge before heading home. Tyler had never been. He’d only moved to Forks the year before. I managed to avoid most of the potholes on the way up but Eric still joked about his poor sensitive skin and dislocated bones. I parked the Suburban by the visitor’s centre and shoved Eric along the path to the lookout, poking his ribs and mussing his hair while Lee played referee. 

“C’mon, princess, I wanna watch the sunset with you,” I said, ducking out of Lee’s reach and wrapping my arms around Eric’s shoulders. 

“You drive like a maniac, who knows what you’d do to me near a cliff,” Eric laughed, slapping my hands away. 

“Oh, you’ll find out,” I waggled my eyebrows and grinned menacingly. 

Tyler pulled up the rear; lost to the mountains and stunning scenery. He was always a little distant. Detached. It was why I’d invited him camping, to get him in with the other guys. We reached the bank of coin-operated binoculars that lined the slope overlooking the deep valley. The view here was ridiculously good. The trees and grass were soft gold, red and fuzzy green in the fading light. The snow-capped mountains were a sharp, deep purple hemming in the blue-streaked sky. We stood in a line and took it in. 

“Wow,” Tyler breathed. 

“Yeah,” said Lee. 

“I never get tired of it, dude,” I said. 

“Never?” said Eric. 

“For never never, for _never never_ ?” I added. 

Eric snorted. I fished a quarter out of my pocket and fed one of the binoculars. Eric feigned sadness. 

“Fuck. Do you have-“ 

“No spare change for backseat drivers,” I muttered. 

I offered one to Lee but he declined. I handed it to Tyler. 

“Thanks, Mike,” he said with a grateful smile. 

I shrugged and stooped to look through the binoculars. The trees swayed in the wind, flashing bright orange like flames. I tracked some crows circling a rocky outcrop far down in the valley. And that’s when I saw him. Below the outcrop, a white blur behind the brown trunks of some spruces, kneeling beside a large brown mass. With wonder, I realized that the brown mass was a bear and the blur was a guy. A tall pale guy with blood smeared over his mouth and hands. I drew back from the binoculars, sucking in breath and passed a clammy hand over my eyes. I had to make sure. I looked again and saw the guy licking blood from his fingers. The lenses shuttered with a click. I jumped when a hand grabbed my shoulder. It was Tyler, his eyes round with shock. 

“You saw?” 

I couldn’t make my mouth move. I nodded stiffly. 

Eric nudged me, “What? What did you see?” 

“Um...” 

Tyler smiled weakly, “A big ass bear. Maybe a Grizzly. Or Bigfoot.” 

Eric hissed dismissively and turned away. Tyler leaned over to whisper in my ear. 

"Was that Edward Cullen?” 

“Yeah. Th-think so,” I whispered. 

The wind had begun to bite and Lee and Eric were pacing around restlessly. I wanted to tell them even though I knew they wouldn’t believe me. I could handle the disbelief but the thought that they would think I was joking made my stomach knot. There was nothing remotely funny about that thing; the pointed teeth and blood-stained hands. Edward Cullen, that silent, creepy, rich kid was a fucking monster. Tyler rode shotgun on the way back home. Lee had won rock-paper-scissors and his lame, acoustic playlist floated from the speakers. He and Eric fell asleep about ten minutes into the drive. Tyler kept glancing my way. 

“What?” I kept my eyes on the road. 

“What exactly did you see?” 

I shook my head and glanced at the other two in the rear-view mirror. 

“I saw the bear and him. I saw his face.” 

__In the corner of my eye I saw Tyler nod. The song changed._ _

__“He looked at me,” said Tyler suddenly.__

____

“What?!” 

____

The car pulled to the left but I quickly got it under control. 

____

“Well, he looked in my general direction. I saw his eyes. They were glowing.” 

____

Tyler tapped his fist against his chest like he was battling heartburn. He breathed out slowly. 

____

“I think he's a demon.” 

____

Despite how I had felt earlier, I started laughing, all shrill and nervous. I couldn't help it. And then I couldn't stop. I swung the car onto the narrow shoulder and laughed till I cried. I woke Eric and Lee up. Tyler yelled for me to stop and punched my shoulder in frustration when I didn't. My stomach cramped, my chest burned but all I could think was: _He's right. He's right. Christ on the cross, he's right!_

____


	3. 100% Awesome

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mike is...  
> 10% luck  
> 20% kill  
> 15% concentrated power of will  
> 5% pleasure  
> 50% pain  
> And a hundred percent reason to remember the gay
> 
> Please see the notes for CW.

I take my meds and the memory fogs up. I forget what Lee's face looks like, how Eric's laughter sounded but I don't forget the blood on Edward Cullen's face. It is bright and poisonous. I look down into my lap and see it caked on my hands. I squirm in my chair. A nurse comes over. She's much older than me and smells of ointment.

“What's the matter, Mike?” 

The blood, the hallucination, it's gone. I shake my head. 

“Nothing. Nothing,” I repeat firmly, “One hundred per cent awesome.” 

She nods in that dismissive way that caregivers have and suggests I lie down. I take her up on the offer. I shuffle to my room and lie down on top of the covers of my cot. The mattress protector crinkles underneath the linen. My roomie, Munroe, is pacing around the room silently. His face is set, his lips pressed tightly in concentration. He loops a circuit from the barred window to the foot of his cot to the reinforced timber door. He likes to exercise; the doctors say too much. He looks a lot like Tyler did in the end. Crooked-backed, thin, exhausted. My breathing picks up and my chest feels heavy. God, I miss him. I miss all of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Violent imagery, medication, mental institutions, mental instability, implied ED mention.
> 
> We won't be spending too much time in Juniper Hill as the jumps from past to present are infrequent from here on out. Thanks for reading and feedback is always welcome.


	4. John Wayne

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mike has nice parents. What a wild concept. Then, caf chat and cold reading.

I didn't sleep the night we got back from the trip. I dropped the guys off and bought an eight-pack of coke when I filled up at the gas station. I switched off my brain and played video games all night. Around six I crept out of my room and bumped into Dad in the kitchen. He was halfway out the door, cramming a breakfast burrito into his mouth.

“Gee, Mikey, you look like death warmed over.” 

“And a good morning to you too, Pa.” 

“Did you catch Mom's cold?” 

“No, I have an English report due on Friday. I was up half the night researching Shakespeare,” the lie came easily. 

Dad wrinkled his nose. I'd inherited my bad grades from him. 

“Well, eat something, kid, ‘cause,” he lowered his voice, “you look like C-R-A-P.” 

I gasped and whispered, “No S-H-I-T.” 

We both chuckled a little. Mom, the good Baptist that she is, hated when we swore in the house. Dad said something about inventory and calling stockists and left. I managed to eat some cereal and down some strong, sweet coffee. I checked in on Mom before I left; she was snoring loudly. I actually felt kinda normal when I pulled into the high school lot. I got out, waved to Eric and Lee across the way and looked up to stretch my stiff shoulders and neck. Puffs of grey cloud dotted the sky but it was fairly sunny. I started to walk towards my friends and felt the sun soak into my skin. 

_Cullens won't be here today _.__

__The memory hit me so hard it knocked the air out of my lungs. I stopped in the middle of the lot. A car beeped at me and Eric was suddenly there, guiding me to the curb._ _

____

“Dude, you gotta death wish?” He took in how I looked. “What's up with you?” 

____

I made a weak joke about him taking my breath away. He grinned and slung an arm around my shoulder. We met Lee and headed inside. 

____

I didn't see Tyler till lunch. I had the table by the vending machine to myself. Eric was busy with AV club and Lee was playing wingman to Ben Cheney over at the girls’ table. I crossed my hands behind my head and leaned back against the machine. Jessica Stanley and Lauren were giggling and sucking up the attention, Angela Weber and Katie Marshall just looked uncomfortable. Ben shot me a panicked look and I nodded my encouragement. I watched Tyler leave the lunch line, head down, shoulders hunched. He looked as crappy as I felt. He set his lunch tray down and slumped onto the plastic seat beside me. 

____

“Hey,” he mumbled, not looking at me. 

____

“Hey, man.” 

____

The vending machine droned like a beehive. 

____

“I meant what I said yesterday,” whispered Tyler. 

____

“I’m sure you did. There’s just the small fact that you sounded like a crazy person.” 

____

Oh, the irony of that statement. 

____

“Mike, what we saw was...awful but the thing is...I'm sure he's done worse stuff than what he did to ol' Yogi.” 

____

“Got proof?” 

____

Tyler teased his fingers through his afro. He groaned and pushed his tray away but not before shoving his fruit cup my way. I wolfed down the pears and jello. 

____

“Sun's out,” I began slowly, “he's not here.” 

____

“Where do they even go?” 

____

“Hunting?” 

____

I regretted it the moment I said it. Tyler slapped a hand against his mouth. 

____

“Sorry. Sorry. But think about it, okay. The weather cleared up yesterday.” 

____

Tyler gave a shallow nod. 

____

“I always thought he died his hair and was secretly ginger. Like, he turns lobster red in direct sunlight or something?” 

____

“Or it hurts him?” Tyler steepled his fingers, “What else do we know about him?” 

____

I teetered forward on my seat, “I’ve never seen him eat.” 

____

“Me too. And remember the bake sale for Wounded Warriors?” 

____

I shivered, “Mrs. Cullen's 'sugar cookies’.” 

____

I gagged at the memory, they'd tasted like sawdust. Tyler reassessed his lunch tray and picked over the chicken casserole. 

____

“Girls like him but,” he cleared his throat and asked quickly, “does he like girls?” 

____

“Uh, dunno. All the girls check him out but he's never had an official girlfriend.” 

____

Tyler tiled his head, “Are the Cullen's religious?” 

____

“Sort of. The parents hang out with Pastor Weber a lot.” 

____

“Have you seen Edward at church?” 

____

“Yeah, at fundraisers and potlucks and stuff.” 

____

“Okay but have you ever seen him inside the actual church?” 

____

“No.” 

____

“Okay, so,” Tyler counted on his fingers, “He hates the sun, doesn't eat. Normally. No girlfriend and doesn't do church.” He pointed at me, “What does that sound like to you?” 

____

“Like a demon,” I said in a goofy voice. 

____

Tyler's tired eyes sparked, “Or a vampire.” 

____

I coughed a laugh, “I'm not even going to bother asking if you're serious.” 

____

“We saw-” 

____

I whispered, “We saw him doing something very weird and gross not supernatural.” 

____

“What if you did see him do something?” 

____

I sighed, flung my hands open and puffed out my cheeks. Tyler hung his head. 

____

“Okay, okay, I get it.” 

____

Eric called out across the caf and we shut up. Well, I did. I gave Eric a dazzling smile and kicked at his chair as he sat down. 

____

“Sonofa-” 

____

Tyler laughed, pulled him up and picked up his chair. 

____

“Hey,” he wheezed. 

____

“Yo,” muttered Eric. 

____

He scowled and I batted my lashes in reply. He cussed me out as he unpacked his lunch box. 

____

“Eric,” said Tyler, “Y'know how we were talking in bio...” 

____

“Yeah, I recall,” he was busy peeling the baggie off his ham and cheese croissant. 

____

“Tell Mike what you told me.” 

____

“Huh? Oh, Cullen's totally psychic.” 

____

“Ex-squeeze me?” 

____

Eric sipped from his bottle of juice. 

____

“Yeah, he can read minds like John Edwards. He's done it a buncha times.” 

____

“Pfft,” I leaned back against the vending machine. 

____

“I'm for real. He does it whenever he gives a presentation in English or Spanish. Or when he debates in Government class. You haven't noticed?” 

____

I shook my head. 

____

Eric scratched his chin, “Huh. Okay. This one time we were debating deforestation and the forestry industry. It was, uh, two weeks after he'd moved here. I was on the 'for' team with Lauren and Ashley Dowling and he was 'against' with Ben and Lee. Ben is god awful at debate.” 

____

I could see that Eric wanted to play storyteller so I snapped my fingers at him. 

____

“Focus up,” I warned. 

____

“All right. Well, Edward was third position. No pressure, all he had to do was sum up and restate what Ben and Lee said. So, he stood at the podium, gave the class the smoulder, and said 'The environmental impact of logging is-' and then he just stopped. For like five seconds he stood there in silence, staring out at the rest of the class. He cleared his throat and looked at Ben and Lee. Ben just shrugged and Lee was spacing out as usual. He started over but just talked up Ben's argument for biodiversity. And that was the first time I noticed it.” 

____

“What exactly?” I said, very unimpressed. 

____

“He read the, like, mood of the class and course-corrected. He was going to go on a whole eco-warrior rant. Ben and Lee hadn't gone near the subject because everyone around here has a relative who was a logger. Edward didn't know that though. Isn't your cousin logging out in BC?” 

____

I drummed my fingers on the table. 

____

“Suuure.” 

____

“He's done it at least six times.” 

____

“It's true,” added Tyler, he gripped Eric's shoulder, “You caught him out once.” 

____

“Yeah, yeah I did. A couple months back, Coach Clapp had us playing charades for some reason and I was up. I drew 'Clint Eastwood' from that grody Capitals hat Coach keeps on his desk. But in my head I got him mixed up with John Wayne.” 

____

I snorted, “You've got that AV Club presidency sewn up.” 

____

Eric grinned, the story had taken over and he forgot to be angry with me. 

____

“Sure have. Anyway, I'm going all the way with it, bowed legs, shooting guns and tipping my Stetson and whatever. And everyone yelled out John Wayne or the Duke and then Edward, slick as a fish, said 'Clint Eastwood'.” 

____

I rolled my eyes at Eric but spoke to Tyler, “Bullshit.” 

____

“The next turn I drew from the hat and pretended to read the blank side. I thought about pizza coz I was hungry but I mimed holding a plate of jello. Everyone said jello but then I pretended to trip and throw the jello into the air and Edward called out 'pizza'. Then, on the last turn I sung 'Mary Had A Little Lamb' in my head but mimed Luke Skywalker’s jedi training. He didn't even try to answer.” 

____

Tyler looked at me with too wide eyes, “Weird, huh?” 

____

“That is pretty weird,” I said flatly. 

____

“He's a total freak,” said Eric happily. 

____

He got up and dumped his trash into the bin. 

____

“It's almost...supernatural,” said Tyler in mock wonder. 

____

The bell rang. 

____

“Fuck you.” 

____

I think that's when the shift happened. Eric had been my best friend since middle school when we'd swapped PS2 games and obsessed over Pro Skater 3. We talked shit and pranked each other senseless but I couldn't open up to him. Eric was smart, college-smart, and I wasn't. He loved to talk about things I didn't get like computers and politics. I felt like I was always playing catchup and I'd grown to resent it. At least, that's what I've told my shrink. It sounds true. Also, he hadn't seen Edward that afternoon. Even after we told him and he saw Edward's abilities for himself he didn't really believe. Not like the others. It was so far out of his comfort zone that he downplayed the danger of it. It was part of the reason he died up there. 

____

On top of the world. 

____

Tyler had been so quiet and unapproachable before the camping trip. God, it makes me sick to say it but Edward brought us together. 

____

**Author's Note:**

> This started out as a joke/troll/fix-it fic but became an actually halfway decent story. So, I just went with it. I like magical realism, horror, teen conspiracy societies and the Pacific Northwest, okay. Hope you enjoyed reading.
> 
> I'm @dazeyrain on Tumblr if you like Sailor Moon, Check Please and Kylux.


End file.
